Future Rob!

And knowledge is power.

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 06:12:44 GMT

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Ya know, we abandoned the old system of tubes over fifty years ago, and replaced it with the hypergooglenet's intracate network of straws and aquaducts.

Sometimes I find it hard to remember how very backwards you people are.

-Yours

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Ugh...

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 07:47:42 GMT

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Xenu... if boredom were a planet, ranked by population, I'd be on Beijing Proximus IV.

-Yours
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Back to the up!

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 21:54:52 GMT

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So we established contact with newly-discovered flatland the other day.

Apparently, instead of time paradoxu, they have height paradoxu. They kept on freaking out calling us space lords and demanding we tell them nothing of their up, or meddle in the affairs of their down.

Also, they have the single most dreadfully boring pornography you've ever seen.

-Yours
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...

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 23:47:04 GMT

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Woke up.
Ate a moon-sandwitch.
Went to bed.

-Yours

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...

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 21:28:04 GMT

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Thank Xenu they finally cleaned up all the zombies. Eventually they sent in the fourth werewolf division to finish the job. This happens about once every two years, ever since HyperCapcom released the T-Virus in Phoenix as a publicity stunt for Resident Evil 19. It was funny at first, untill... ya know... they got out of Arizona and into areas people actually cared about.

Of course, the zombies might be gone, but now we have the fourth werewolf division to worry about.

-Yours
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Bloody T-Virus

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 21:59:41 GMT

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Oh, for the love of Xenu... Not another zombie apocolypse...

-Yours
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AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 10:03:38 GMT

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They had to pull Darryl Hannadroid XVIX out of a tree today. L! (hypergooglenet efficiency has double-abbreviated LoL to a simple L, by the by)

Holdon, this sounds oddly familiar...

-Yours
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Greetings from the future!

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 09:49:03 GMT

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It's not actually June. It's Hyperjune. Hyperjune fifteenth twenty-one-oh-nine. We adopted the hypercalender in the hyperyear twenty-ninety-seven. But I must conform to this backwards binary update form to talk to you, the peoples of the dark and distant past. How do I manage this marvel, you ask? Are you implying that anything is impossible to the God Emperor of The Moon?

That's right, I didn't think so... I would swear at you now, but the human race has become so desensitized to fifteen different waves of expletives that after "KREBNRELBLOCH!" no longer packed any punch, we resorted to brutally killing a small furry creature to convey extreme emotion. Sadly, this highly-advanced hyperexpletive does not really work in print.

But anyway, back to the Time Paradox. It was nothing. I simply wired a trinary flux capacitor into The Moon's hypergooglenet relay box. Trinary, you ask? Poor foolish cave-men. Our computational technology is so far beyond yours, it would seem like magic. Instead of ones and zeros, our calcutrons use ones, zeros, and x's. Basically they're on, off, and "hey, look over there!" We're able to manage some amazing hypershit while the computer isn't looking.

Did I mention I was God Emperor of The Moon? It's not as fancy as it sounds... there's only about seventy of us up here. It's a funny story really... the Hypergynoflu killed off all the female Lunar colonists back in twenty-twenty-five... eventually the entire lunar population was composed of gay men. The resulting homostocracy lured most of the terran queers, led by yours truly, to emigrate to the fabulously decorated satellite.

However, we forgot the hyperwombs, and every time we try to order one from Earth, they pretend they're out of stock. Fucking hyperbreeders. So with the constant danger of space pirates and the gonad slugs, our numbers have been swiftly dwindling.

Don't blame me! There was only so much cargo space, and I didn't want my pants shoved into crates and creased! They're Armaniroid for Xenu's sake!

Oh, blind ancestors... foolish children forgotten by time... I have so much to share with you! But you'll get bored and stop reading if I don't spread it out into small amusing nuggets... so from the year twenty-one-oh-nine, this is Future Rob signing off.

-Yours
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By the way, those of you living on the eastern seaboard... ya know that list of things you want to do before you die? You should get on that. Like, tonight.
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